Mr. Whatever You Like pt 3

After my amazing surprise at the spa Mr. WYL and I talked everyday. He was the first man who not only listened to what I was saying but he applied it in our everyday lives. He did his best to anticipate my needs. I loved the way when I mentioned something in passing he really remembered it and used the information for a later date. He would have roses and my favorite cupcakes delivered to my job just because it was Tuesday He was passionate about everything that he did and that was so sexy to me. I had never met a man so sure of himself but at the same time was honestly a nice person.  

I was the happiest I had even been. This man was so amazing and thoughtful. Most people that look that good are conceited or snotty. He was so kind, willing to go above and beyond for anyone. His passion for the Lord was super attractive.  He also had a great relationship with his family especially his mom. (Mama taught him well) I thought to myself Lord what have I done to deserve someone so amazing? Women tried him all the time. I could feel their stares when we were out together. He only had eyes for me and let that be known. I loved the attention and love, yet he still gave me space to be me. He was supportive, told me what I needed to hear not just what I wanted to hear. Mr. WYL was the truth!

We threw parties together, prayed together and went to each others church services and family events. Christmases with him were BIG, he did his best to provide anything my heart desired. For my birthday we went to Vegas and it was one of the most amazing trips of my life. It wasn’t about the material things that he could give me. He gave me so much more, he made me feel loved in a way that no one else ever had. He made me feel like I was the only girl in the world ©Rihanna During the course of the relationship I gained some weight from all the spoiling and wasn’t feeling like my usual self. Mr. WYL went to the gym with me so we could get in shape together, even though he didn’t need to go at all. (read deep V cuts)

I always say the things about someone that you love the most are the things that drive you crazy about them. This was the case with Mr. WYL. He went from TI’s “Whatever You Like” to, “whatever you like” as in Vanessa Bell Calloway’s character in Coming to America. What happened?

 Before where he was assertive he was now passive. Where he used to be well put together, he was now really comfortable and in sweats all the time. What happened to the man I fell in love with? I know people are constantly changing and evolving but this change in him was not for the better as far I was concerned. It seemed like he lost some of his zest for life. Nothing dramatic had changed in his life so I couldn’t understand why the dramatic change in his personality.

It seemed that every thing he did annoyed me. I wanted my man back. His sweetness had gone from honey, that made me feel warm inside to extra sugary like the concoctions that my 6 year old nephew likes to eat.

I couldn’t stand for him to talk to me let alone touch me. I know that he was tired of me turning down his advances but I couldn’t stand the thought of being that close to him. I now sat way on the other side of the couch, and the car rides became more and more silent. Little things like “babe where are my keys?” bothered me as much as when a younger cousin would mimic everything I said. I literally wanted to slap him at times and I’m not a violent person. This man who I thought was the love of my life was now someone that I stayed with a constant curled up lip around. There was almost nothing that I loved about him. The new song that came to mind when I thought of him was Beyonce’s “Next Ex”.

I wished that things could be different. I tried to make it work. Tried to be nice and make suggestions without raising my voice. I couldn’t do it. It wasn’t fair to him to stay when I didn’t love him anymore. All I had was care for him. He knew it was coming, he knew things were changing so when I told him that I couldn’t continue he didn’t put up that much of a fight. I packed the things I had at his house in a box and fought back tears all the way home. It was awkward with our mutual friends, I could be cordial, I didn’t hate him. Granted it stung a little bit when I found out that he was spending quite a bit of time with a girl that everyone including Jesus thought was a downgrade but…he wasn’t mine and frankly I knew I didn’t want him.

I wanted to call him the other day and tell him in the words of Jill Scott that he was just “runnin across my mind” but I left well enough alone. No need drawing up old feelings only to remember why we fell apart in the first place. Right?

Superwoman

I’m taking a small break from Mr. Whatever You Like, but don’t fret, Part 3 is coming later this week.

I was watching the new classic black love movie, Brown Sugar the other day with my boy and we came across the scene where Dre (Taye Diggs) is telling Sid (Sanaa Lathan) about his fiancé Reese (Nicole Ari-Parker) 

“You know we all lookin’ for wifey material. A woman that’s fine smart classy but not a snob hella hella sexy but not a hoe that’s brown sugar”-Dre Ellis

I asked him what his ideal woman looked like.  He said these days he was looking for a Claire Huxtable, Michelle Obama, and Beyonce all wrapped up into one woman. Someone that was educated and intelligent, could hold them down and yet not be walked all over and was as beautiful as they come physically. He wants a woman that is basically Superwoman. I asked well are you Superman? How can expect someone to be something that you are not?

Women want the same thing. The generation before us was crazy about Denzel. He’s an amazing actor, is absolutely and undoubtedly handsome, seems to love his wife immensely and comes off as a nice person despite his looks and success. Keep it real who doesn’t want someone that perfect?  But we have to remember that no one is perfect. People can just be the best them that they can be. And if you want to attract a “perfect” man, you have to become the person you want to date.

As women I know we feel pressure to be the ideal woman. We want to cook gourmet meals, look like we stepped out of a magazine, hold meaningful conversations at any company party, and of course be able to put in down like a porn star in the bedroom. Every woman should strive to be the best that she can be. Also recognize that you shouldn’t be giving your all and going above and beyond for someone who isn’t willing to do the same for you 

You can’t expect to land an ideal man when you’re sitting at home complaining about there are no good black men. You probably won’t find him on your couch. We have to be the best women that we can be. Your true colors will shine through and someone will see all of that good in you. However don’t fake it, you can only pretend to be someone you’re not for so long.

No one wants to give 100% and get 40% in return. That only leads to bitter “angry black women”. Know your worth and if you’re doing your best to be Superwoman be sure that you’ve found a Superman.

Quote from Brown Sugar 2002

Mr. Whatever You Like pt 2

The next morning I was up early for 8am service at church with thoughts of this new man swirling in my head. Visions of his smooth skin and well manicured nails replayed in my mind. He was just dreamy. That Sunday we had a pastor from a guest church bring the message and his choir came as well. As I’m walking by to put my tithes and offerings in the box I think I see the man from last night going out of the left side choir door. I almost tripped over Mother Butler’s feet because I was so shocked by what I just saw, or…thought I had just saw. I smiled and leaned over to hug her to cover it up, quickly composed myself and made it back to my seat without hurting any elderly ladies.

Safely in my pew I tried to focus on the service but couldn’t stop glancing at that side door. The guest choir sang an A and B selection and before the guest preacher brought the message he asked for a special song from a member of his choir. Everyone started clapping so I assumed whoever this person was, was most likely wasn’t just going to sing they were going to sang (church folk only stan for people with real talent). I looked up and the drummer reached to put his sticks down and made his way to the organ.

He turned his face and it was HIM! The man I saw go out side door was the very same man I had been thinking about since I laid eyes on him the night before! Inside I melted because I have a thing for musicians especially drummers. This new found information about him had me even more interested and intrigued than I was last night, and we still hadn’t had a decent conversation. When he got on the organ and sang “I Wont Complain” it took everything in my power to not run to the front and fall out at the altar. That is by far my favorite gospel song and he turned the church OWT!

When service was over I headed out the side door to the parking lot and I got stopped by my church’s guitar player. “Hey secretary of state” he said to me with a big smile. That was a nickname given to me as a child when I was the secretary of Sunday school. We chatted for a bit I told him I’d see him Wednesday night at bible study. I turned to open the door and there HE was.

I thought my heart was going to beat out of my chest when he smiled at me.

“Good morning,” he said, “I told you I would see you again”

Breathe, he’s talking to you!  “Yes you did.” butterflies

“So what are you doing after this?”

“Making a run to whole foods and a mani pedi. You?”

“Taking you to brunch”

Really?” I said with an arch of my brow, my butterflies turned to bats in an instant, but I had to keep my cool.

I died a little inside. Imagine Tyson Beckford’s twin in your face, telling you that he’s going to take you to brunch…yeah exactly!

“Oh Yes, if that’s okay with you.”

Confident and polite. Win!

Brunch was amazing I found out all the usual first date info. He went to an HBCU (win). He was a couple years older than I was (win). No children, gainfully employed, and no girlfriend…or boyfriend. (win win WIN!) We talked everything from AME church politics to what our favorite foods were. Our conversation was refreshing and I couldn’t believe how my day was turning out; you couldn't have told me this morning that I'd b brunching with a gorgeous man.  He was attentive, looked me in the eye, and was so damn charming! I loved that in the same man I could get street swag in a Yankee fitted and Timbs AND debonair and sophisticated in a charcoal grey suit and matching cufflinks. To top it off his perfect teeth and dimpled smile kept me warm despite the cool weather of late fall.

Afterwards we exchanged numbers and he dropped me back off at my car, which was still in the church parking lot. He was such a gentleman he got out of his car and opened the door for me to get out (expected) then he opened my car door for me get into my own car (above and beyond). *swoon* He gave me a hug good bye and said he hoped that he could see me again soon. Oh yes…

I called the bday girl on the way to Santana Row for my mani/pedi. I told her all about brunch and we ended up naming him Mr. Whatever You Like because he was so fine that he could have whatever he liked ;-) . She told me that she had known him for years but he just moved back from college not too long ago. That explained why I had never met him before. By the time we finished gossiping I had arrived at the spa. I was floating on a cloud re-living our brunch experience; not even the search for a parking space could put a damper on my mood. It had been a long time since someone had made me smile at just the thought of them. I wasn’t getting ahead of myself but I was definitely a smitten kitten.

“Excuse me, I wanted the normal pedicure, what are you doing?” I said to her very nicely but with some noticeable surprise in my voice.

“No we have you down for the Rosy manicure and pedicure today.” she replied in her usual tone. I had a seriously confused look on my face because I had made this appointment in advance and I knew what I planned to get. I checked my Blackberry to make sure I wasn’t losing my mind.

Since I was still looking at her with a face that said ‘ummmm?’ she asked the lady at the front desk to come over and talk to me. The woman told me that about an hour ago a man had called and set up these services for me. OMG! I was shocked. How? What? Why? When?

I sat down in the spa chair and immediately dialed his number. It was presumptuous but no other man knew about my nail appointment but him. He answered on the second ring with “You told me that pink roses were your favorite.” I couldn’t help but smile big. This man was definitely something else…

Mr. Whatever You Like

Not to long ago a good friend of mine was having a birthday dinner at a local trendy spot. This restaurant and lounge was where all the young hipster crowd hung out on the weekends. There were a couple good looking men there that night. I was making eyes with this cutie a few tables over that looked like he could be Harry Belafonte’s grandson. Yum. Most of the people had arrived at our table and we all were laughing and having a great time when I looked up and saw this man that was a Tyson Beckford look-a-like.  Beyonce’s Video Phone immediately started playing in my head. “Baby you doin' somethin' right. You just cancelled every otha man here”

He was so fresh and clean looking like he just stepped out of a Ralph Lauren ad. I had to remember to speak when the introductions were made and he grabbed my hand to shake it. I gave him eye contact, kept it mysterious yet friendly so I wouldn’t come off as too bourgeois or as a b*tch. He was seating directly across from me so we made eye contact a few times but no words were spoken between us except for ‘hello” and “my name is”.

After dinner we all headed upstairs to the lounge for drinks and cake. I made sure to make my way around our booth so I could talk to everyone. This man and I never were in the same circle at the same time. When I said my goodbyes he was no where to be found. I shook it off and figured that I’d see him again because we had so many friends in common but at the same time I wondered why I hadn’t met him before. I was lost in my own thoughts and checking my Blackberry as I made my way down the stairs.

“Whoa!” He put his hands on my hips to stop me from running into him or falling over.

“Oooh sorry” I say and look up at him slightly embarrassed.

We’re on the same step and he’s taller than I am in my 4” heels. Nice

“No problem lady. You leaving?” he asked

“Yeah church in the morning,” I said, “8am service”

His hands are still on me but now have moved up to my waist.

“Okay, that’s wassup” he says as he licks his lips and keeps eye contact.

Slight swoon

“I’m sorry we didn’t really get a chance to talk but I hope to see you again”

Being coy I said “We’ll see” and looked down between us as if to say please remove your hands from my waist sir. He let go, slowly.

“Yeah mos def” he says to my back as I sauntered out of the restaurant.

The whole ride home I thought about him. His Burberry London cologne lingered my nose long after I walked out of the restaurant. I definitely hoped to see him again.

5 First Date Deal Breakers

Most twenty something women have stories to tell, some good and some bad, about their dating experiences. I haven’t had many bad dates in my life (Thanks God) but I do have some dating deal breakers that I know would ensure that a second date is highly unlikely. 

Bad Table Manners

The most annoying thing in the whole entire world to me is mouth sounds. Do not smack your teeth, chew with your mouth open, slurp your soup, or any of that. I’m so serious about it I don’t even carry gum in my purse because if I offer you a piece and you smack or pop it, I’m liable to smack or pop you! Or better yet jump across the table and choke you (yahh!) Excuse me I’m sorry I’m really such a lady© Nicki Minaj. Seriously though, sucking your teeth or smacking your lips is torture, worse than nails on a chalkboard for me.

Last Minute Notice

“Can you come pick me up” and “I forgot my wallet” are first date suicide. If you are late we might not be going on a date ever again as well. This rule can be waived in case of dire emergency but under most circumstances if you’re tardy for this party the next time you come near it you’ll get tackled by security a la Robin Givens character in “Head of State”. If you “forget” your wallet, I suppose its time to roll up your sleeves to wash some dishes my dude. *Kanye Shrug*

Premature Signs of Affection

I’m somewhat of an old fashioned girl, a hand on my knee or walking with your arm around my waist is inappropriate first date behavior to me (in most cases). Trying to put your tongue in my mouth, hand on a butt cheek or boob and you’re liable to get cut. I’m not into PDA at all and I love my personal space but there’s something so arrogant about a man that just assumes I’m okay with his physical advances. I like a man with a big ego, but respect me and my space.

Bad Hygiene

When most people go on a date, especially a first date, they usually try to look their best. If you have bad hygiene on a first date that you were supposed to be “dressed up” for then you are likely a Funkmaster 3000 on the daily. No sir, no thanks.

Trying Too Hard

Yes this is a first date so please be on your best behavior, but keep it real. I want to get to the real you, not who you think I want you to be. I’m not easily impressed “Sendin’ me a drink aint appeasin’, believe me!” Word to Beyonce! If I’m on a date with you, I must have liked something so show me more of who I agreed to go on a date with and we’ll be fine. Besides ain’t nothing like the real thing baby.

What are your first date deal breakers? Share…

Ex Factor Kind of Love

Years ago I dated a gorgeous young man that I thought was the love of my life. We spent hours on the phone, AIM and texting from the time we woke up until the time we fell asleep on the phone with each other. We definitely had that “Teenage Love Affair” thing going HARD. I felt like my heart was overflowing with love and I smiled so much my cheeks hurt on a daily basis. Looking back that relationship was so obsessive and ridiculous, but you live and you learn.

In the beginning the relationship was beautiful. I felt that I could share anything with him. Where I was hard he was soft, and where he was weak and damaged I was strong and secure. We dreamed of what our children would look like and picked out names for them. We couldn’t get enough of each other but as most relationships go things started to go sour. “Why didn’t you call me when you got in?” and “Why don’t you have any time for me?” became part of our everyday conversation.

                                             It could all be so simple
                                           But you’d rather make it hard

He started not answering my calls because I wasn’t responding to his texts or calling him back as quickly as he liked. In turn I became distant and somewhat checked out of the relationship. (I’m really good at nonchalant) We were both acting childish.

                                           Loving you is like a battle
                                          We both end up with scars

I made up my mind that I was going to try to be the best girlfriend I could be and decided that if I wanted our relationship to work I was going to have to give more and try not to be so selfish. I sacrificed time with friends and time sleeping to spend time with him. What I had to give was never good enough. If we have been talking for 3 hours on the phone it’s understandable that I want to get up and get on with my day, right? I was convinced that all he wanted me to do was spend time talking to him and not go anywhere or do anything.

  No matter how we seem to grow you always seem to let me know that it ain’t working

One weekend I was free and I suggested that we spend some time together, (He was always free on weekends. He didn’t have any real friends = lesson learned. Never again), he didn’t respond to my text for a couple hours. When he did he was on some, “Well I was gonna chill with my boy that came to visit from out of town”. I was looking forward to spending time with him, but I also knew that we had plenty of weekends to spend together so I made other plans to hang out with friends.

Later that night plans fell through with his out of town friend so he called and wanted me to drop what I was doing to come see him right away. Say what? Say huh?
When he had something to do it was cool to cancel on our plans, but now you want me to drop and in progress event because your plans fell through? Nig…he almost made me say it with that one.

                             Tell me who I have to be to get some reciprocity

One night he texted me to tell me that one of the girls that he really liked had come to his dorm room. They were hanging out and one thing led to another. They were kissing and touching. Clothes came off and as she was getting ready to put her mouth on him he stopped her. He knew it wasn’t right and he didn’t want to use her as a seat filler or to get back at me for not giving him enough of my time. He said it like he was telling me a story about someone else. I was done.


                                       See I know what we got to do
                                                     You let go
                                               And I let go too
                                        No ones hurt me more than you
                                           And no one ever will

*Lyrics from "Ex Factor" by Lauryn Hill

Beware of the Fake

Last night I did a late night Walmart run. On the way out a friend I was with wanted to get a money order. That was fine, I was in no rush. As we’re waiting in line we’re chatting about her new job as a server at a larger and better known restaurant than she was working with before and she’s telling me how great the tips are. I turned to talk to BFF while she was handling her business, then I heard “Excuse me?!” I quickly looked up and she’s talking to the cashier with a somewhat panicked look on her face. The cashier looks at her and says, “Sorry ma’am your bill is fake”. Our jaws dropped.

Have you ever known someone who was like a fake $100 bill? You know the type; they are usually flashy and bragging about what they do and who they know. You thought they had their ish together but they turned out to be just a fake! Beware of these people.

In this twenty-something stage of life there are a lot of fakers. Most of us have graduated from college and feel we should be living the life that most people don’t get until they are in their thirties these days. Our whole lives we’ve been told to go to college and upon graduation we will have a good job and secure future. For those of us that have graduated in recent years we have been robbed! The job market is terrible and we have had to move back home and work jobs that have nothing to do with our majors to pay Sallie Mae. That’s our harsh reality.

So what do some of us do? Overspend on credit cards, (if our credit isn’t shot) spend our whole paychecks on LV and Kim Kardashian-esque hair weaves. We want to be retweeted by Diddy as Ciroc boys and girls. We go to All Star and Super bowl weekends. We try to keep up with the latest fashions and trendy spots to eat at. I get it; we all want to live the good life.

My life definitely isn’t where I thought it would be at 25 years old. According to the plan I had (at 16) I should be done with grad school, married and having my 1st child. Ha! I’m nowhere close to marriage or children, and haven’t even started grad school.

Before you get down on yourself for not being where you thought you would be in this stage in life, take a minute to be thankful for what you have. Don’t look to others because a lot of these people are 2 days from eviction and 1 week from being repossessed. Be the best you that you can be and with hard work one day you will get to where you want to be, wherever that may be. You won’t appreciate what you have as much if it’s always been there. Just think that when you’re at the next level in life you can look back and laugh at the way things used to be.

After the Wedding

I’m one of those women who has been dreaming of my wedding for as long as I can remember. Platinum Weddings, Say Yes to the Dress, and My Fair Wedding with David Tutera are on heavy rotation in my house. I must admit I am quite obsessive about it. It’s really bad, like…seriously a problem. I have a binder with seating charts, menu options, etc. Everything is just about planned down to the smallest detail. (I’m just missing a man, but I’m working on it LOL)

Most women aren’t as crazy about weddings as I am. But I was talking to BFF the other day and I said, “I’ve been planning this wedding for so long, what am I gonna do when I actually get married?” she laughed and shrugged.

So many of us want this fairytale wedding that we’ve dreamed about since we were little girls. We want the big white princess dress with the tiara, and we want to be the center of attention for a day. That’s great, but what happens after the wedding, after the honeymoon in Jamaica or whatever tropical destination of your liking? Do we as women dream about what married life will be like? Not the fun parts like someone to hold you at night and take care of you when you are sick, or someone to talk to about your day at work with, but the real work. What about how you are going to be married to this person for the rest of your life? (God willing) What about when you wake up and they’re there, when you come home from work they’re there, they are ALWAYS there.

Although I’ve dreamed about the big day for forever, I’ve also thought about what marriage would be like. I have a serious need for space and time alone. Will I feel like I’m being suffocated? Will I be bored? These are valid questions, just because I’m madly in love with you in 2010 doesn’t mean that I won’t feel like I’m just going through the motions in 2030. I came to the conclusion that I’m not going to be in that in love stage throughout my entire marriage but I do know that love is going to keep us together. That new feeling fades, you have careers, children to raise, and parents that are getting old and are now depending on you. What happens then?

Don’t get caught up in the fairytale fantasy. Know that marriage is work and every day won’t be easy. The only thing that’s changed from dating is that you live with the person, (read more chances for them to drive you crazy) I had to ask myself do I want to be a wife or do I want a wedding? Maybe I should throw myself a huge party (word to Madea)

Big Girls Do It Better

Have you ever had someone that you loved to see in private but didn’t want to take them out in public? I’ve had my share of “little secrets” (word to Xscape) but never because I was embarrassed to be seen with them, more because I keeps my business to myself.

The other day in Target while grabbing a box of Special K with red berries I overheard a conversation between two (I would assume) 20-something black men,

Man 1: Last Night my dude!
Man 2: Awwww yeah Kesh came over.
Man 1: Yeah you know she big but she puts it down.
Man 2: Big girls are the ish! They go above and beyond sheeeeeeeit!!!
Man 1: Yeah she know if she don’t she’ll be out. Don’t nobody want no big girl!
Man 2: I’m sayin! This aint the south fool!
(laughs from both)
Man 1: I saw her the other day and she was all smilin’ and sh*t. I shut that down!
Man 1: She know if she see me outside, act like she don’t know me.
Man 2: (laughs) Right! No one wanna be seen wit her big a$$!

I stood there with my box of cereal in midair feeling stuck. First of all, why is that conversation appropriate at all, let alone in a store. What bothered me the most wasn’t where they were but what they were saying. I didn’t say anything because that wasn’t my business to talk to them about their personal relations with whomever they choose to sleep with.

I’m not new to this so I’ve definitely heard this “big girls do it better” theory before. It just struck a nerve with me that these men were open to sexual relations with someone who they wouldn’t want to be seen in public with. So she’s good enough to please you and possibly have a child with but you don’t want anyone to know that you know her? Chile Please (© Chad “Ochocinco”)

I’m a strong advocate for women taking control of their sexual satisfaction with whomever they choose (safely of course). Do your thang sis, get yours! But don’t ever ever EVER let a man use you! I’m sure the woman that this man was sleeping with knew exactly how he felt about her. He didn’t seem like the type to mince words. At that point it’s on the woman to make the decision on how she is treated. Don’t even think about saying that the man lowered your self esteem…(cue Kat Williams)

Happy Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving is upon us. For me it means that my Grams will make her famous German Chocolate cake (we only get it once a year). It means that Mom will be making and selling sweet potato pies like crazy. It means my uncle’s pecan pie. It means my aunt Kim’s rolls (I will cut you over one a nem rolls). It means that everyone will be at my parents house on Thanksgiving day. It means that Dad will go to Nations to get breakfast on that morning (yum) it also usually means that I won’t be allowed to touch food of any kind pre dinner time. I’m not welcome in the kitchen and here’s why…

At my parents house there is an apple tree in the backyard. We don’t usually eat from it but when I was younger maybe 13, my sister and I decided to make an apple pie with the apples from the tree. We had all the ingredients, peeled and chopped apples, rolled out crust and mixed all the ingredients with the apples. Our parents were outside on the deck having a glass of wine and enjoying the Indian Summer.

My sister is 14 years older than I am so she was supposed to be in charge of everything. I set the oven to 350˚ and we put our first homemade apple pie in the oven. I went to my room to watch TV and the next thing I know I hear the smoke detector going off. My parents run in from the backyard and my sis comes out of her room. Let me tell you!!!!!! The kitchen was filled with thick dark smoke. We opened all the windows in kitchen the smell was terrible! Dad looks at the oven and says, “Why was the oven on broil?!”

I look at my sis and we can’t believe it because we double checked that the oven was on the right temperature. The pie had charcoal black crust and the inside was the consistency apple sauce so from now on I have been banned from the kitchen. For Thanksgiving dinner my sister brings Waldorf Salad (you don’t have to use the stove at all for that)

So on Thanksgiving day I will probably get up early, do my hair, beat my face, wear some kind of fall colored outfit complete with 4 inch heels, spend a little time talking with family and eat myself into a coma then nap and do it again. Gotta love Thanksgiving LOL

Moment of Honesty: The S Word

Okay so we’ve gotten kinda close over the past month or so. (I know you all are reading even if you don’t comment LOL). I think it’s time for a #momentofhonesty…Here we go…

I HATE to share.
(with the vigor of Rumplestilskin jumping up and down when the millers daughter said his name)

I know you’re looking at your screen right now like didn’t she just post about the importance of giving a couple weeks ago? Yes I did. But here’s the thing, I don’t mind giving of my time but my personal things are another story. In life I know that giving of my time and resources is key. I’m a Christian and I have no problem with Malachi 3:10 (I’m not a thief). I’ll buy a person something to eat that’s asking for food, but I have a serious issue with splitting half of my sandwich with someone.

I was the child that hated to let someone else use my crayons because I didn’t want them to get worn down. I’d keep Barbies in the box because I wanted them to stay pretty and perfect. I save some products because if I use it, it will be gone.

I noticed that this aversion to sharing has continued on to adulthood. If someone asks can they have some of my drink I tell them wait a sec and drink my fill then let them have it. It’s not so much the germs that bother me (even though that’s super high on the list of concerns. I’m notorious for getting strep throat) it’s the fact that the person keeps reaching for a cup that is mine. It gets under my skin. And one sip is okay but take a gulp and I’m liable to cut you!

I do blame it partly on being an only child. I didn’t have any siblings that I had to share with and my cousins were either older or younger by an average of 5 years. I come from a family in which each household takes care of their own. My mom says her father taught her brothers to take care of home first and foremost. (Home being his wife and children) We get together for holidays and BBQs but for the most part everyone minds their own business.

With all that said I know it wouldn’t be fair for me to be in a serious relationship and flip out over him taking a sip of my soda or a bite of my sandwich but how do I get over this? Hmmm…

To My Sistas

We live in a world where we have a black president AND a beautiful black first lady Michelle Obama. We’ve got double degrees, our ladies anthems range from Drake’s “Fancy” to Jill Scotts “Hate on Me”. We are well versed in Sanchez, Angelou, Shange and Giovanni. Some of us spend our Saturdays at Burke Williams’s day spas, we shop at Niemans, Saks, and Barneys, and Louis Vuitton and Christian Louboutin are staples in our wardrobes. Yes there is a shortage of eligible black men *rolls eyes* and many of us are having a hard time balancing relationships and career. (See any and every special on CNN, ABC etc on black relationships) But there’s another issue that’s heavy on my heart.

For all the great strides we’ve made, for all the positive influences we have, we still have this negative attitude towards each other. Scrunched up faces as soon as another sista walks into the same space we’re in. We don’t use smiles when we greet each other. Instead we stare each other down in a way that is more invasive than a rectal exam. Judgment is made based on what we see in a five second glance of a fellow sista from the crown of her head to the soles of her feet. If her style deviates too far from our own she’s immediately dismissed as irrelevant. If her personal style is too similar to ours (Heaven forbid another woman be as fly, smart, educated or pretty etc. as we are) she’s everything but her name.

The chocolate sista with the relaxed pixie cut cuts her eyes at the butterscotch sista with the big natural ringlets in the Carol’s Daughter section in Sephora. The caramel sista with the Howard University sweatshirt clucks her tongue at the ebony one with the UC Berkeley t-shirt on in Peete’s Coffee. The mahogany sis coming out of whole foods with her 100% African shea butter purchase in hand tisks and shakes her head at the mocha sis coming out of the MAC cosmetics store with the 3 tubes of lipglass and 2 shades of StudioTech foundation in her shopping bag.

We walk around with armor thicker than the skin of a rhinoceros afraid to pay one another a compliment because we’ll be damned before we make another woman feel like she is special or pretty. We’ve all been there. Last Friday I wore a cute ruffled black dress to happy hour with black strappy 5 inch heels. It was way more crowded than usual in general, but there were so many black women there of all ages. (Blame it on Tyler Perry) so I approach the security guard and engage him in conversation. I felt the eyes and could almost see the “who she think she is?” And her “hair ain't real anyway” comments going off in the other black women’s heads.

Why do we do this to each other? In this day and age we know better. 2010 has been the year of the Black woman. Beyonce made history with her record 6 Grammys, Monique won the Academy award for her role in Precious and she has her own late night talk show that is doing very well. We have role models like Amy D. Barnett who is the new EIC of Ebony Magazine which just celebrated its 65th Anniversary. BET aired My Mic Sounds Nice: The Truth About Women in Hip Hop and Beverly Bond’s Black Girls Rock aired on BET last night. Kelly Price, Marsha Ambrosius, Jill Scott and Ledisi performed a moving rendition of Nina Simone’s “Four Women”. This song is a great example of even through all the external differences that black women in America have we all have struggles. Let’s face it, being a black woman in America still isn’t easy. Why can’t we lean on each other and build each other up rather than tear each other down? I know some people are reading and thinking “I don’t go around putting other black women down” We have to understand its not just spoken words that can be used as weapons. We cut each other with our eyes, and slice one another and ourselves with negative thinking.

And we wanna be the first one's singing out Beyonce's "Why Don't you Love Me?" When we don't love ourselves or each other. But I digress...

So the next time to see a sista, smile and say hi. If you think she’s fly compliment her. It won’t kill you.

Enjoy this video of “Four Women”

For Colored Girls: My Thoughts

A couple of weeks ago I was reading Belle’s tweets after she went to a screening of Tyler Perry’s For Colored Girls. I was glad to hear from her that it wasn’t going to be done in typical TP fashion but it wasn’t quite all that it could have been. She said all the things I wanted to say (She’s AMAZING) Read her review at
www.abelleinbrooklyn.com or click on the link to her blog that I have on the side. The post is titled For Colored Girls:A Review.

I always like to make sure that I read the book before seeing a film adaptation because I like to see how much the film deviates or stays true to the original work. I’ve done it with A Raisin in the Sun, Push, The Notebook, Waiting to Exhale, How Stella Got Her Groove Back etc.

Ntozake Shange’s “For Colored Girls Who Have Considered Suicide When the Rainbow Isn’t Enough” is no exception. My parents have a poster in their bedroom from the play back in the day. I’ve looked at the poster a million times. When I got to high school I finally read the play and it touched me in so many ways. Shange’s words touch you deep down in your soul.

The film has an amazing cast. I believe it is a great movie for people who don’t know about Shange. They can use the movie as a starting point and then read the book to get the full depth of what she’s saying. (A woman sitting behind me in the theatre said "Maya Angelou had to be in this because this is deep" during a scene with Anika Noni Rose. The ignorance put a knife in my heart) This movie can be a tool for them to understand why women have been captivated by this play for years.

Go out and see the movie this weekend if you can! Support black art!

Man of my Dreams: A Poem

This is a poem I wrote based on the dream I had the other night. I woke up at 5am unfortunately and couldn’t get that warm and fuzzy feeling back *le sigh* but this man…this man…made me feel like a natural woman!
Enjoy ;)

Man of my Dreams

Last Night I dreamt of you
The attraction was instant
I was drawn to you like a magnet

The strong rumble of your voice called out to me
Even though you didn’t speak my name
The thunder before the lightening

I had to see your face
Before I knew what was happening
I was gliding over to you like I was in a Spike Lee film

There you were
Smooth skin akin to crème brulee
Warm cinnamon eyes
When I looked into them I saw who I really was
Who I was meant to be and what my purpose was on this Earth
I felt Lauryn and D’Angelo singing in my soul
Nothing even mattered
*3 snaps*

In you I saw the Cliff to my Claire
Complete with children performing by the stairs
In you I saw the Ossie to my Ruby Dee
Over 50 years of love and understanding

Fingers intertwined we walked off in the distance
Leaving a path of icicles and slush
That used to encase our frozen hearts

Moving forward towards a warm and sunny forever
Our hearts and souls wrapped in love
We faded into the light

The Importance of Giving

Today I was talking with East Coast Girlfriend (ECG) and she mentioned that she was going to be volunteering at a food bank this week. We spent a little while discussing the importance of volunteering and at the same time Dream Hampton (!!!)* put this quote up on twitter,

“There are hungry people to feed, naked people to clothe, sick people to comfort and make well. And while I don’t expect you to save the world I do think its not asking too much to love those with whom you sleep, share the happiness of those you call friend, engage those among you who are visionary and remove from your life those who offer you depression, despair and disrespect” –Nikki Giovanni

The holidays are a time when I reflect on the past year, spend time with family, and try to make some time to volunteer and give back to my community. This quote really struck a chord with me for various reasons. The first being that many people volunteer during this time of the year. That’s great! At the same time the less fortunate need help all throughout the year. (pause for a moment of self reflection)

The second was that while I know I spend a lot of time thinking about what I can do to help others, how much time am I devoting to the people that I call friends and family. This year has been a year of great loss for me and other people in my inner circle. Death is a part of life, I know and accept that. This year more than any other I want to make sure that my loved ones know that they have my love and support.

Sometimes we just need a reminder

*If you are a writer, especially a black female writer you understand my excitement over Dream Hampton. “Yeah she’s pretty much amazing” (where is that quote from?)

Don't Be Cute

“Nails done. Hair done. Everything did.” Drake (Fancy)

How many of us have a friend or family member whose swag is always on a hundred thousand trillion? I mean this lady is well put together from head to toe! Full MAC face without looking too overdone, has the baddest heels that no one else has, smells like heaven and her hair looks fresh out the shop every time you see her. And what happens when we know we’re going to see said friend? We try to step our game up because we don’t want to look bummy next to our local Beyonce.

Now I like to stay so fresh and so clean at all times BUT I love yoga pants and sweatshirts too. If I could wear them everyday all day I would. I prefer leave in conditioner natural free hair and straight ponytails to perfectly curled with the s swirl in the front hair. I love a full MAC face complete with #10 lashes but I also love a bit of concealer mascara and well groomed brows. Needless to say I can dress up or I can be totally dressed down. Lately I’ve noticed that people see me as this local Beyonce ( LB) (Imagine my surprise) I was headed to meet a beautiful friend from HS the other day and as we’re wrapping up our texts about when and where we’re going to meet she texts “don’t be cute” Hmmm

That text message made me think back to high school when I went to a modeling audition with a friend who told me to sit in the waiting room because if I came in the room with her they would surely choose me over her. Don’t be cute.

Not too long ago I was talking to a cousin that had recently met a new man. She says that we should all get together and have dinner or something but she doesn’t want to introduce me to him because I might steal him. Huh?

Mind you every time someone says this to me they say it in half seriousness and the other half in jest. I’m fully aware that when I’m going out (dinner, movies, club, shopping) I’m dressed but most days (headed to the gym, Safeway, or Target) I’m keeping it plain jane. I’m also aware that what these people are saying is coming from their own insecurities and it’s not about me. But people that I consider my close friends know that I am all about who a person is on the inside because looks quickly fade. So while I am flattered that I am considered the “fly friend” I’m also concerned that these people that I’m spending my time with are so concerned with my appearance and how it’s related to them. Hmmm…

What Are You?

“What are you?” is one of the most annoying questions I have ever heard and I hear it just about on a weekly basis. I am a black woman with dark skin (think of the brown crayon in the Crayola box) I have dark brown hair that I usually wear straight however its naturally curly (think Tia and Tamera Mowry in the early days) My eyes are guess what color? Brown! So I would think that anyone looking at me would assume that I am a black woman. For the most part people don’t doubt my blackness but they question if that’s the only ancestry I have. Recently I encountered a man at my local Starbucks who just had to ask the question…

Man: Hello
Me: Hi (he’s cute so I’m doing what Belle told me to do)
Man: You’re beautiful
Me: (big smile) thank you
Man: What are you if you don’t mind me asking?
Me: (straight face) Excuse me?
Man: What are you mixed with?
Me: I’m black
Man: Really? No…just tell me
Me: Well if you wanna know the truth…the same amount of Massa as everyone else
Man: Huh (confused face)

This scenario is almost the exact same as what the character Tayiler went through in my favorite book, Behind Those Eyes by T.P. Carter. Most people see this as a compliment. Why? Why must we reject our blackness and cling to “my great great grandpa was a quarter Cherokee”? Be happy with who you are because you can’t change your DNA. And hopefully one day we can get past this.

25 By 25 part 2

Forgive yourself for mistakes. Everybody makes them the most important thing is that you’ve learned from them. (And don’t do them again)

Invest in a good face regimen. Even though black don’t crack, take care of your skin so you’ll look like Diahann Caroll not Joan Rivers. Invest in a face cream with some spf and take off your makeup at night if nothing else.

Own at least 1 piece of clothing that makes you feel sexy. Have a dress that fits you perfectly or a pair of heels that make your legs look like Tina Turner’s.

Buy yourself a piece of jewelry. It will make you feel good to buy something for yourself that you can keep forever. Not having think of an ex whenever you look in your jewelry box, Priceless.

Have some money saved in case of emergency

Know the definition of love. If someone says they love you they should also show you or else, they don’t really love you.

Treat people how you want to be treated. You’re not alone in this world and it’s not all about you.

Know how to get around. If you have a car, know what you need to do to maintain it. Also know your local bus routes and have the number to a taxi service in your phone. You don’t want to ever be stuck without a way out.

Speak Your Mind. Don’t hold things back, ‘A closed mouth don’t get fed”. Speak up for what you want at your job, talk to professors at school, talk to your parents, friends and partners. Give and command respect.

Know how to handle your liquor. We are too old to be the drunk girl at the club. Know you limits and be a lady. No one wants to have to take care of someone when everyone else just wants to have fun.

Know your wines. I’m not saying you need to have the expertise of a sommelier but know the difference between a shiraz and a chardonnay. Also know what foods go best with what wines.

Accept yourself. Change the things that you can and need/want to and accept the things that you can’t. It’s a sign of maturity.

25 By 25 part 1

In honor of my 25th birthday last month I made a list of 25 things that a woman should know or do by her quarter century of life.

Cook a signature dish. We’re at the age where we are invited to dinner parties and have potlucks at work and church. Have a dish that you know is amazing and comes out great every time.

Know how to apply your own makeup and style your hair. You don’t want to be caught out looking crazy because you couldn’t make an appt. YouTube and the artists at the MAC counter are your friends.

Travel outside of the US. See how people live in other parts of the world. It’s also great to be able to share your travel stories in social settings.

Get tested. Know your status. Enough said.

Go to your OBGYN. The health of your “kitty cat” is super important. Early detection for breast and cervical cancers etc is key.

Take yourself on a solo date. Don’t depend on others to have a good time. This way you can do exactly what you want and it gives you a chance to practice your hair and makeup skills.

Have a plan for school (if you’re not already finished) Education is key in today’s world. Figure out how to do what you love that also pays the bills. You are worth the investment.

Give back. Volunteer. Help Somebody. (word to Maxwell)

Love at least 1 part of your body and play it up. Perfect your mascara if your eyes are your strongest feature or wear v-neck shirts and dresses if you have great cleavage.

Know you size and wear it. Looking good in your clothes will make you feel good. No one else will know what the tag in your clothes says, however they will know that you look crazy in a size 12 when you’re really a 16.

Spend time with family. You never know how much time you have with them.

Read often. Classics and news, not just Zane and Dickey. Not being up on current events is not cute.

Work out. Your body is a temple and you only get once treat it as such. What good is money, a fab house and car if your health is poor? You can’t enjoy it.

A P3 Adventure: The Story of John

P3 Adventures are the antics of my crew and the things the 3 of us get into when we’ve had a few drinks in us. We are truly a mess. But we don’t hurt nobody  Enjoy…

One of the places in the Bay that my crew likes to go to shop, hang, and eat is Bay Street in Emeryville. Friday night a few years back I meet up with the usual suspects and we decide to go for our usual dinner and a movie. PF Changs is the restaurant of choice for the night. I love the orange chicken but other than that the menu is so-so. So we’re ki ki-ing and enjoying the scene. It’s Friday so the spot is poppin’ with young people, not too many cuties but what can you do? Black Brotha and I are the only ones drinking because BFF isn’t much of a drinker (she loves her Arnold Palmers)

It’s a warm summer night so afterwards we end up walking towards Barnes and Noble. I see a cutie going inside so we change plans to follow. At closer inspection brotha isn’t just a cutie he’s fine. I’m talking rugged a la Michael Ealy Fine. He has on a black leather motorcycle jacket and his helmet in his hand. (I have a thing for motorcycles) So I’m like check out dude.

Let me fix my hair. Yes Ma’am! Pass me my dress. ;)

We keep and eye on him as we check out the AFAM section on the 1st level. We see nothing that we don’t already have or haven’t already read (that we want). I start looking at the journals which are always near the register because cutie is heading to pay for his books. I want a closer look and since I had a few drinks I decide to stand next to him to find out his info. I’m not usually this chick (word to Jilly from Philly) but these few martinis are making me bold.

Everyone knows when you don’t have your membership card you can give your telephone number and your purchase can be counted towards your B&N rewards card. As I’m standing super close to him looking at Vera Bradley pens I’m eavesdropping. Mind you I’m trying to be as inconspicuous as possible, so I’m looking like these are the most beautiful and interesting pens I’ve ever seen. He gives his number and I think to myself okay this is my chance. I repeat the number over and over in my mind and tell it to BFF and Black Brotha as we quickly exit after him. “What are you gonna do call him?” BFF says.
“Yeah I’m bout to call him,” I say. I just want to see if he’ll answer. They laugh but they’re down for the plan. (We sometimes do the fool when we get together) As we walk back towards PF Changs we stop and call him. The 1st number is wrong. Damn! So we try a 2nd number. OMG It’s ringing…

Ring, ring, ring…
Man: Hello
Me: (eek face) Hello
Me: Is this John? (My mind is blank on a name. Looking back the man in B&N said his name was something like Rico)
Man: Yes this is John

My friends are looking like what? I mouth that the man’s name is John. They bust out laughing and kind of walk away so that John can’t hear them.

Me: Hey John! It’s Keisha

BFF and Black Brotha are doubled over with laughter. I’m really trying to stay on track and keep a level voice. What’s even funnier is that of all the names I could choose I picked Keisha. Anyone who knows me knows that I am far from a stereotypical Keisha (no shade). I sound more like a Rachel McAdams.

Me: Don’t you remember me?
Him: (Pause) No I’m sorry I don’t
Me: John! OMG I cant believe you don’t remember me?!
Him: Ummmm no sorry.
Me: Okay well maybe I’ll see you around John (sad voice)

After I end the call I start screaming with laughter. That was the craziest thing I've ever done. (Well maybe not) “Why did you say your name was Keisha?!” Black Brotha asks me.

“I don’t know it was the first name that came to my mind” I say. They laugh even harder. We continue laughing and reliving the experience all the way to our cars.

From that day on whenever we got together for special occasions we called John. He never answered the phone so we left Merry Christmas, Happy Easter and Kwanzaa messages. We even called him when Barack Obama won the election. “Hey John! It’s Keisha! We did it. Yes we can and yes we did! Call me” He never did call (Kanye Shrug)

Welcome

Welcome to Lipgloss Life and Lattes. This blog is all about the misadventures and chronicles of self discovery of a twenty-something sista living in the SF Bay Area. Thanks for reading and I hope that you enjoy :)