Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Ex Factor Kind of Love

Years ago I dated a gorgeous young man that I thought was the love of my life. We spent hours on the phone, AIM and texting from the time we woke up until the time we fell asleep on the phone with each other. We definitely had that “Teenage Love Affair” thing going HARD. I felt like my heart was overflowing with love and I smiled so much my cheeks hurt on a daily basis. Looking back that relationship was so obsessive and ridiculous, but you live and you learn.

In the beginning the relationship was beautiful. I felt that I could share anything with him. Where I was hard he was soft, and where he was weak and damaged I was strong and secure. We dreamed of what our children would look like and picked out names for them. We couldn’t get enough of each other but as most relationships go things started to go sour. “Why didn’t you call me when you got in?” and “Why don’t you have any time for me?” became part of our everyday conversation.

                                             It could all be so simple
                                           But you’d rather make it hard

He started not answering my calls because I wasn’t responding to his texts or calling him back as quickly as he liked. In turn I became distant and somewhat checked out of the relationship. (I’m really good at nonchalant) We were both acting childish.

                                           Loving you is like a battle
                                          We both end up with scars

I made up my mind that I was going to try to be the best girlfriend I could be and decided that if I wanted our relationship to work I was going to have to give more and try not to be so selfish. I sacrificed time with friends and time sleeping to spend time with him. What I had to give was never good enough. If we have been talking for 3 hours on the phone it’s understandable that I want to get up and get on with my day, right? I was convinced that all he wanted me to do was spend time talking to him and not go anywhere or do anything.

  No matter how we seem to grow you always seem to let me know that it ain’t working

One weekend I was free and I suggested that we spend some time together, (He was always free on weekends. He didn’t have any real friends = lesson learned. Never again), he didn’t respond to my text for a couple hours. When he did he was on some, “Well I was gonna chill with my boy that came to visit from out of town”. I was looking forward to spending time with him, but I also knew that we had plenty of weekends to spend together so I made other plans to hang out with friends.

Later that night plans fell through with his out of town friend so he called and wanted me to drop what I was doing to come see him right away. Say what? Say huh?
When he had something to do it was cool to cancel on our plans, but now you want me to drop and in progress event because your plans fell through? Nig…he almost made me say it with that one.

                             Tell me who I have to be to get some reciprocity

One night he texted me to tell me that one of the girls that he really liked had come to his dorm room. They were hanging out and one thing led to another. They were kissing and touching. Clothes came off and as she was getting ready to put her mouth on him he stopped her. He knew it wasn’t right and he didn’t want to use her as a seat filler or to get back at me for not giving him enough of my time. He said it like he was telling me a story about someone else. I was done.

                                       See I know what we got to do
                                                     You let go
                                               And I let go too
                                        No ones hurt me more than you
                                           And no one ever will

*Lyrics from "Ex Factor" by Lauryn Hill

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