Mr. Whatever You Like pt 3

After my amazing surprise at the spa Mr. WYL and I talked everyday. He was the first man who not only listened to what I was saying but he applied it in our everyday lives. He did his best to anticipate my needs. I loved the way when I mentioned something in passing he really remembered it and used the information for a later date. He would have roses and my favorite cupcakes delivered to my job just because it was Tuesday He was passionate about everything that he did and that was so sexy to me. I had never met a man so sure of himself but at the same time was honestly a nice person.  

I was the happiest I had even been. This man was so amazing and thoughtful. Most people that look that good are conceited or snotty. He was so kind, willing to go above and beyond for anyone. His passion for the Lord was super attractive.  He also had a great relationship with his family especially his mom. (Mama taught him well) I thought to myself Lord what have I done to deserve someone so amazing? Women tried him all the time. I could feel their stares when we were out together. He only had eyes for me and let that be known. I loved the attention and love, yet he still gave me space to be me. He was supportive, told me what I needed to hear not just what I wanted to hear. Mr. WYL was the truth!

We threw parties together, prayed together and went to each others church services and family events. Christmases with him were BIG, he did his best to provide anything my heart desired. For my birthday we went to Vegas and it was one of the most amazing trips of my life. It wasn’t about the material things that he could give me. He gave me so much more, he made me feel loved in a way that no one else ever had. He made me feel like I was the only girl in the world ©Rihanna During the course of the relationship I gained some weight from all the spoiling and wasn’t feeling like my usual self. Mr. WYL went to the gym with me so we could get in shape together, even though he didn’t need to go at all. (read deep V cuts)

I always say the things about someone that you love the most are the things that drive you crazy about them. This was the case with Mr. WYL. He went from TI’s “Whatever You Like” to, “whatever you like” as in Vanessa Bell Calloway’s character in Coming to America. What happened?

 Before where he was assertive he was now passive. Where he used to be well put together, he was now really comfortable and in sweats all the time. What happened to the man I fell in love with? I know people are constantly changing and evolving but this change in him was not for the better as far I was concerned. It seemed like he lost some of his zest for life. Nothing dramatic had changed in his life so I couldn’t understand why the dramatic change in his personality.

It seemed that every thing he did annoyed me. I wanted my man back. His sweetness had gone from honey, that made me feel warm inside to extra sugary like the concoctions that my 6 year old nephew likes to eat.

I couldn’t stand for him to talk to me let alone touch me. I know that he was tired of me turning down his advances but I couldn’t stand the thought of being that close to him. I now sat way on the other side of the couch, and the car rides became more and more silent. Little things like “babe where are my keys?” bothered me as much as when a younger cousin would mimic everything I said. I literally wanted to slap him at times and I’m not a violent person. This man who I thought was the love of my life was now someone that I stayed with a constant curled up lip around. There was almost nothing that I loved about him. The new song that came to mind when I thought of him was Beyonce’s “Next Ex”.

I wished that things could be different. I tried to make it work. Tried to be nice and make suggestions without raising my voice. I couldn’t do it. It wasn’t fair to him to stay when I didn’t love him anymore. All I had was care for him. He knew it was coming, he knew things were changing so when I told him that I couldn’t continue he didn’t put up that much of a fight. I packed the things I had at his house in a box and fought back tears all the way home. It was awkward with our mutual friends, I could be cordial, I didn’t hate him. Granted it stung a little bit when I found out that he was spending quite a bit of time with a girl that everyone including Jesus thought was a downgrade but…he wasn’t mine and frankly I knew I didn’t want him.

I wanted to call him the other day and tell him in the words of Jill Scott that he was just “runnin across my mind” but I left well enough alone. No need drawing up old feelings only to remember why we fell apart in the first place. Right?

Superwoman

I’m taking a small break from Mr. Whatever You Like, but don’t fret, Part 3 is coming later this week.

I was watching the new classic black love movie, Brown Sugar the other day with my boy and we came across the scene where Dre (Taye Diggs) is telling Sid (Sanaa Lathan) about his fiancé Reese (Nicole Ari-Parker) 

“You know we all lookin’ for wifey material. A woman that’s fine smart classy but not a snob hella hella sexy but not a hoe that’s brown sugar”-Dre Ellis

I asked him what his ideal woman looked like.  He said these days he was looking for a Claire Huxtable, Michelle Obama, and Beyonce all wrapped up into one woman. Someone that was educated and intelligent, could hold them down and yet not be walked all over and was as beautiful as they come physically. He wants a woman that is basically Superwoman. I asked well are you Superman? How can expect someone to be something that you are not?

Women want the same thing. The generation before us was crazy about Denzel. He’s an amazing actor, is absolutely and undoubtedly handsome, seems to love his wife immensely and comes off as a nice person despite his looks and success. Keep it real who doesn’t want someone that perfect?  But we have to remember that no one is perfect. People can just be the best them that they can be. And if you want to attract a “perfect” man, you have to become the person you want to date.

As women I know we feel pressure to be the ideal woman. We want to cook gourmet meals, look like we stepped out of a magazine, hold meaningful conversations at any company party, and of course be able to put in down like a porn star in the bedroom. Every woman should strive to be the best that she can be. Also recognize that you shouldn’t be giving your all and going above and beyond for someone who isn’t willing to do the same for you 

You can’t expect to land an ideal man when you’re sitting at home complaining about there are no good black men. You probably won’t find him on your couch. We have to be the best women that we can be. Your true colors will shine through and someone will see all of that good in you. However don’t fake it, you can only pretend to be someone you’re not for so long.

No one wants to give 100% and get 40% in return. That only leads to bitter “angry black women”. Know your worth and if you’re doing your best to be Superwoman be sure that you’ve found a Superman.

Quote from Brown Sugar 2002

Mr. Whatever You Like pt 2

The next morning I was up early for 8am service at church with thoughts of this new man swirling in my head. Visions of his smooth skin and well manicured nails replayed in my mind. He was just dreamy. That Sunday we had a pastor from a guest church bring the message and his choir came as well. As I’m walking by to put my tithes and offerings in the box I think I see the man from last night going out of the left side choir door. I almost tripped over Mother Butler’s feet because I was so shocked by what I just saw, or…thought I had just saw. I smiled and leaned over to hug her to cover it up, quickly composed myself and made it back to my seat without hurting any elderly ladies.

Safely in my pew I tried to focus on the service but couldn’t stop glancing at that side door. The guest choir sang an A and B selection and before the guest preacher brought the message he asked for a special song from a member of his choir. Everyone started clapping so I assumed whoever this person was, was most likely wasn’t just going to sing they were going to sang (church folk only stan for people with real talent). I looked up and the drummer reached to put his sticks down and made his way to the organ.

He turned his face and it was HIM! The man I saw go out side door was the very same man I had been thinking about since I laid eyes on him the night before! Inside I melted because I have a thing for musicians especially drummers. This new found information about him had me even more interested and intrigued than I was last night, and we still hadn’t had a decent conversation. When he got on the organ and sang “I Wont Complain” it took everything in my power to not run to the front and fall out at the altar. That is by far my favorite gospel song and he turned the church OWT!

When service was over I headed out the side door to the parking lot and I got stopped by my church’s guitar player. “Hey secretary of state” he said to me with a big smile. That was a nickname given to me as a child when I was the secretary of Sunday school. We chatted for a bit I told him I’d see him Wednesday night at bible study. I turned to open the door and there HE was.

I thought my heart was going to beat out of my chest when he smiled at me.

“Good morning,” he said, “I told you I would see you again”

Breathe, he’s talking to you!  “Yes you did.” butterflies

“So what are you doing after this?”

“Making a run to whole foods and a mani pedi. You?”

“Taking you to brunch”

Really?” I said with an arch of my brow, my butterflies turned to bats in an instant, but I had to keep my cool.

I died a little inside. Imagine Tyson Beckford’s twin in your face, telling you that he’s going to take you to brunch…yeah exactly!

“Oh Yes, if that’s okay with you.”

Confident and polite. Win!

Brunch was amazing I found out all the usual first date info. He went to an HBCU (win). He was a couple years older than I was (win). No children, gainfully employed, and no girlfriend…or boyfriend. (win win WIN!) We talked everything from AME church politics to what our favorite foods were. Our conversation was refreshing and I couldn’t believe how my day was turning out; you couldn't have told me this morning that I'd b brunching with a gorgeous man.  He was attentive, looked me in the eye, and was so damn charming! I loved that in the same man I could get street swag in a Yankee fitted and Timbs AND debonair and sophisticated in a charcoal grey suit and matching cufflinks. To top it off his perfect teeth and dimpled smile kept me warm despite the cool weather of late fall.

Afterwards we exchanged numbers and he dropped me back off at my car, which was still in the church parking lot. He was such a gentleman he got out of his car and opened the door for me to get out (expected) then he opened my car door for me get into my own car (above and beyond). *swoon* He gave me a hug good bye and said he hoped that he could see me again soon. Oh yes…

I called the bday girl on the way to Santana Row for my mani/pedi. I told her all about brunch and we ended up naming him Mr. Whatever You Like because he was so fine that he could have whatever he liked ;-) . She told me that she had known him for years but he just moved back from college not too long ago. That explained why I had never met him before. By the time we finished gossiping I had arrived at the spa. I was floating on a cloud re-living our brunch experience; not even the search for a parking space could put a damper on my mood. It had been a long time since someone had made me smile at just the thought of them. I wasn’t getting ahead of myself but I was definitely a smitten kitten.

“Excuse me, I wanted the normal pedicure, what are you doing?” I said to her very nicely but with some noticeable surprise in my voice.

“No we have you down for the Rosy manicure and pedicure today.” she replied in her usual tone. I had a seriously confused look on my face because I had made this appointment in advance and I knew what I planned to get. I checked my Blackberry to make sure I wasn’t losing my mind.

Since I was still looking at her with a face that said ‘ummmm?’ she asked the lady at the front desk to come over and talk to me. The woman told me that about an hour ago a man had called and set up these services for me. OMG! I was shocked. How? What? Why? When?

I sat down in the spa chair and immediately dialed his number. It was presumptuous but no other man knew about my nail appointment but him. He answered on the second ring with “You told me that pink roses were your favorite.” I couldn’t help but smile big. This man was definitely something else…

Mr. Whatever You Like

Not to long ago a good friend of mine was having a birthday dinner at a local trendy spot. This restaurant and lounge was where all the young hipster crowd hung out on the weekends. There were a couple good looking men there that night. I was making eyes with this cutie a few tables over that looked like he could be Harry Belafonte’s grandson. Yum. Most of the people had arrived at our table and we all were laughing and having a great time when I looked up and saw this man that was a Tyson Beckford look-a-like.  Beyonce’s Video Phone immediately started playing in my head. “Baby you doin' somethin' right. You just cancelled every otha man here”

He was so fresh and clean looking like he just stepped out of a Ralph Lauren ad. I had to remember to speak when the introductions were made and he grabbed my hand to shake it. I gave him eye contact, kept it mysterious yet friendly so I wouldn’t come off as too bourgeois or as a b*tch. He was seating directly across from me so we made eye contact a few times but no words were spoken between us except for ‘hello” and “my name is”.

After dinner we all headed upstairs to the lounge for drinks and cake. I made sure to make my way around our booth so I could talk to everyone. This man and I never were in the same circle at the same time. When I said my goodbyes he was no where to be found. I shook it off and figured that I’d see him again because we had so many friends in common but at the same time I wondered why I hadn’t met him before. I was lost in my own thoughts and checking my Blackberry as I made my way down the stairs.

“Whoa!” He put his hands on my hips to stop me from running into him or falling over.

“Oooh sorry” I say and look up at him slightly embarrassed.

We’re on the same step and he’s taller than I am in my 4” heels. Nice

“No problem lady. You leaving?” he asked

“Yeah church in the morning,” I said, “8am service”

His hands are still on me but now have moved up to my waist.

“Okay, that’s wassup” he says as he licks his lips and keeps eye contact.

Slight swoon

“I’m sorry we didn’t really get a chance to talk but I hope to see you again”

Being coy I said “We’ll see” and looked down between us as if to say please remove your hands from my waist sir. He let go, slowly.

“Yeah mos def” he says to my back as I sauntered out of the restaurant.

The whole ride home I thought about him. His Burberry London cologne lingered my nose long after I walked out of the restaurant. I definitely hoped to see him again.

5 First Date Deal Breakers

Most twenty something women have stories to tell, some good and some bad, about their dating experiences. I haven’t had many bad dates in my life (Thanks God) but I do have some dating deal breakers that I know would ensure that a second date is highly unlikely. 

Bad Table Manners

The most annoying thing in the whole entire world to me is mouth sounds. Do not smack your teeth, chew with your mouth open, slurp your soup, or any of that. I’m so serious about it I don’t even carry gum in my purse because if I offer you a piece and you smack or pop it, I’m liable to smack or pop you! Or better yet jump across the table and choke you (yahh!) Excuse me I’m sorry I’m really such a lady© Nicki Minaj. Seriously though, sucking your teeth or smacking your lips is torture, worse than nails on a chalkboard for me.

Last Minute Notice

“Can you come pick me up” and “I forgot my wallet” are first date suicide. If you are late we might not be going on a date ever again as well. This rule can be waived in case of dire emergency but under most circumstances if you’re tardy for this party the next time you come near it you’ll get tackled by security a la Robin Givens character in “Head of State”. If you “forget” your wallet, I suppose its time to roll up your sleeves to wash some dishes my dude. *Kanye Shrug*

Premature Signs of Affection

I’m somewhat of an old fashioned girl, a hand on my knee or walking with your arm around my waist is inappropriate first date behavior to me (in most cases). Trying to put your tongue in my mouth, hand on a butt cheek or boob and you’re liable to get cut. I’m not into PDA at all and I love my personal space but there’s something so arrogant about a man that just assumes I’m okay with his physical advances. I like a man with a big ego, but respect me and my space.

Bad Hygiene

When most people go on a date, especially a first date, they usually try to look their best. If you have bad hygiene on a first date that you were supposed to be “dressed up” for then you are likely a Funkmaster 3000 on the daily. No sir, no thanks.

Trying Too Hard

Yes this is a first date so please be on your best behavior, but keep it real. I want to get to the real you, not who you think I want you to be. I’m not easily impressed “Sendin’ me a drink aint appeasin’, believe me!” Word to Beyonce! If I’m on a date with you, I must have liked something so show me more of who I agreed to go on a date with and we’ll be fine. Besides ain’t nothing like the real thing baby.

What are your first date deal breakers? Share…

Ex Factor Kind of Love

Years ago I dated a gorgeous young man that I thought was the love of my life. We spent hours on the phone, AIM and texting from the time we woke up until the time we fell asleep on the phone with each other. We definitely had that “Teenage Love Affair” thing going HARD. I felt like my heart was overflowing with love and I smiled so much my cheeks hurt on a daily basis. Looking back that relationship was so obsessive and ridiculous, but you live and you learn.

In the beginning the relationship was beautiful. I felt that I could share anything with him. Where I was hard he was soft, and where he was weak and damaged I was strong and secure. We dreamed of what our children would look like and picked out names for them. We couldn’t get enough of each other but as most relationships go things started to go sour. “Why didn’t you call me when you got in?” and “Why don’t you have any time for me?” became part of our everyday conversation.

                                             It could all be so simple
                                           But you’d rather make it hard

He started not answering my calls because I wasn’t responding to his texts or calling him back as quickly as he liked. In turn I became distant and somewhat checked out of the relationship. (I’m really good at nonchalant) We were both acting childish.

                                           Loving you is like a battle
                                          We both end up with scars

I made up my mind that I was going to try to be the best girlfriend I could be and decided that if I wanted our relationship to work I was going to have to give more and try not to be so selfish. I sacrificed time with friends and time sleeping to spend time with him. What I had to give was never good enough. If we have been talking for 3 hours on the phone it’s understandable that I want to get up and get on with my day, right? I was convinced that all he wanted me to do was spend time talking to him and not go anywhere or do anything.

  No matter how we seem to grow you always seem to let me know that it ain’t working

One weekend I was free and I suggested that we spend some time together, (He was always free on weekends. He didn’t have any real friends = lesson learned. Never again), he didn’t respond to my text for a couple hours. When he did he was on some, “Well I was gonna chill with my boy that came to visit from out of town”. I was looking forward to spending time with him, but I also knew that we had plenty of weekends to spend together so I made other plans to hang out with friends.

Later that night plans fell through with his out of town friend so he called and wanted me to drop what I was doing to come see him right away. Say what? Say huh?
When he had something to do it was cool to cancel on our plans, but now you want me to drop and in progress event because your plans fell through? Nig…he almost made me say it with that one.

                             Tell me who I have to be to get some reciprocity

One night he texted me to tell me that one of the girls that he really liked had come to his dorm room. They were hanging out and one thing led to another. They were kissing and touching. Clothes came off and as she was getting ready to put her mouth on him he stopped her. He knew it wasn’t right and he didn’t want to use her as a seat filler or to get back at me for not giving him enough of my time. He said it like he was telling me a story about someone else. I was done.


                                       See I know what we got to do
                                                     You let go
                                               And I let go too
                                        No ones hurt me more than you
                                           And no one ever will

*Lyrics from "Ex Factor" by Lauryn Hill

Beware of the Fake

Last night I did a late night Walmart run. On the way out a friend I was with wanted to get a money order. That was fine, I was in no rush. As we’re waiting in line we’re chatting about her new job as a server at a larger and better known restaurant than she was working with before and she’s telling me how great the tips are. I turned to talk to BFF while she was handling her business, then I heard “Excuse me?!” I quickly looked up and she’s talking to the cashier with a somewhat panicked look on her face. The cashier looks at her and says, “Sorry ma’am your bill is fake”. Our jaws dropped.

Have you ever known someone who was like a fake $100 bill? You know the type; they are usually flashy and bragging about what they do and who they know. You thought they had their ish together but they turned out to be just a fake! Beware of these people.

In this twenty-something stage of life there are a lot of fakers. Most of us have graduated from college and feel we should be living the life that most people don’t get until they are in their thirties these days. Our whole lives we’ve been told to go to college and upon graduation we will have a good job and secure future. For those of us that have graduated in recent years we have been robbed! The job market is terrible and we have had to move back home and work jobs that have nothing to do with our majors to pay Sallie Mae. That’s our harsh reality.

So what do some of us do? Overspend on credit cards, (if our credit isn’t shot) spend our whole paychecks on LV and Kim Kardashian-esque hair weaves. We want to be retweeted by Diddy as Ciroc boys and girls. We go to All Star and Super bowl weekends. We try to keep up with the latest fashions and trendy spots to eat at. I get it; we all want to live the good life.

My life definitely isn’t where I thought it would be at 25 years old. According to the plan I had (at 16) I should be done with grad school, married and having my 1st child. Ha! I’m nowhere close to marriage or children, and haven’t even started grad school.

Before you get down on yourself for not being where you thought you would be in this stage in life, take a minute to be thankful for what you have. Don’t look to others because a lot of these people are 2 days from eviction and 1 week from being repossessed. Be the best you that you can be and with hard work one day you will get to where you want to be, wherever that may be. You won’t appreciate what you have as much if it’s always been there. Just think that when you’re at the next level in life you can look back and laugh at the way things used to be.

After the Wedding

I’m one of those women who has been dreaming of my wedding for as long as I can remember. Platinum Weddings, Say Yes to the Dress, and My Fair Wedding with David Tutera are on heavy rotation in my house. I must admit I am quite obsessive about it. It’s really bad, like…seriously a problem. I have a binder with seating charts, menu options, etc. Everything is just about planned down to the smallest detail. (I’m just missing a man, but I’m working on it LOL)

Most women aren’t as crazy about weddings as I am. But I was talking to BFF the other day and I said, “I’ve been planning this wedding for so long, what am I gonna do when I actually get married?” she laughed and shrugged.

So many of us want this fairytale wedding that we’ve dreamed about since we were little girls. We want the big white princess dress with the tiara, and we want to be the center of attention for a day. That’s great, but what happens after the wedding, after the honeymoon in Jamaica or whatever tropical destination of your liking? Do we as women dream about what married life will be like? Not the fun parts like someone to hold you at night and take care of you when you are sick, or someone to talk to about your day at work with, but the real work. What about how you are going to be married to this person for the rest of your life? (God willing) What about when you wake up and they’re there, when you come home from work they’re there, they are ALWAYS there.

Although I’ve dreamed about the big day for forever, I’ve also thought about what marriage would be like. I have a serious need for space and time alone. Will I feel like I’m being suffocated? Will I be bored? These are valid questions, just because I’m madly in love with you in 2010 doesn’t mean that I won’t feel like I’m just going through the motions in 2030. I came to the conclusion that I’m not going to be in that in love stage throughout my entire marriage but I do know that love is going to keep us together. That new feeling fades, you have careers, children to raise, and parents that are getting old and are now depending on you. What happens then?

Don’t get caught up in the fairytale fantasy. Know that marriage is work and every day won’t be easy. The only thing that’s changed from dating is that you live with the person, (read more chances for them to drive you crazy) I had to ask myself do I want to be a wife or do I want a wedding? Maybe I should throw myself a huge party (word to Madea)