Goodbyes and Flashbacks

The other day someone on my Twitter timeline posted a retweet:

 “@TheNotebook : It’s not the goodbye that hurts, but the flashbacks that follow.”

A light bulb went off in my head. Ugh, how true is this statement?! When you break up with someone that you loved with the deepest, purest, truest part of you saying goodbye and not having any contact with them seems like the worst thing in world. The flashbacks are hard as well, but in that moment you feel like part of you is being ripped out of your soul. This isn’t just true for romantic relationships but it also applies to family and friends that you’ve had to say goodbye to in one way or another.

When you break up with someone and they wronged you it's no problem to say goodbye, in fact you’re all too happy to end things. But in this instance the flashbacks are the worst part because you think of all the ways they wronged you, all the time you wasted and all the things that you probably should have done differently. You find yourself in a rage about all the time that you can’t get back, and how much you want to call them and yell and tell them off. All the memories that used to be good ones are now places that you don’t want to go to because that was your first date or place you used to frequent with that rat bastard your ex.

Le sigh...

The 20-Something Serious Relationship Dilemma

So you’ve been dating your S.O for 3 years now. The relationship has had its ups and downs but the good definitely outweighs the bad. He’s seen you through graduation from college and grad school applications. You have enough of your stuff at his place to move in, he talks to your parents almost more than you do and you trust him with your life. With your busy schedule you don’t really have that much time to go out but when you do, you have a good group of friends that you like to spend time with aside from your S.O.

Now you’re in your mid to late twenties and you’ve come to a point in your relationship where everyone around you is inquiring about when you getting married. Of course you and S.O have thought and talked about marriage but one night sitting on the couch watching a movie you look at him and really see him. You think to yourself “I’m not getting any younger” and “Is this the person I really want to spend the rest of my life with?” You couldn’t see yourself with anyone else but at the same time you’re not sure that you’re ready to take it to the next level.

This happens to most of us. I call it the 20-something serious relationship dilemma. This happens when you’re in a point of your relationship that seems like you should be moving on to another level of commitment but you have some reservations. Don’t be concerned about a timeline when it comes to your relationship. Talk to the person that you are in a relationship with and go with what feels comfortable for you guys. Don’t move in with someone, get engaged or marry someone just because you’ve been together x-amount of years.

If you’re out and feeling like you’re missing out on something, be honest with yourself and think about if you still want to be in a relationship or if you want to be single and casually date. Don’t lie to yourself and stay in a relationship if it’s not working. Those are not wasted years, those are years in which you learned what you want and don’t want in a relationship, information that is so invaluable in your life.

However keep in mind the 80/20 rule. The grass often seems greener on the other side. I’ve been out to different events and even in my everyday life I don’t see anything better than what I have. It’s slim pickins out there!

What Happened to Individuality?

As human beings it’s in our nature to want to fit in. We want to stand out and yet be part of the acceptable crowd. Standing out for having great hair or nail polish is good but standing out in a way that would cause someone to laugh at us or make us feel bad because we are different is not.

I don’t know about your city but when I’m out I see women in just a few different kinds of outfits. We have the women in leggings or short tight dresses that they shouldn’t be wearing with 5 inch heels that they don’t know how to walk in or those puss-in-boots style shoes that they likely got from Sheikh. They usually have a Kim Kardashian-esque weaves and smoky eye makeup. We all know that most women want to look like celebrities and video vixens but what happened to individuality?

 I know there are only so many styles of clothes to choose from and only so many stores to shop at. Why are people so okay with looking like everyone else? While I don’t think that my style is so original that no one could possibly have the same shoes or dress that I have but at the same time I know for sure that I don’t look like everyone else.

Don’t be afraid to step out of the usual or what everyone else is wearing. No matter if it’s going from weave to big chop, full makeup to none at all or just trying a different nail polish color, its okay. Hair grows back; you can take clothes and makeup off and try again. I’m not suggesting that you go outside looking crazy in the streets but don’t look like a clone. Try shopping at a boutique, thrift store, or adding unique accessories to personalize your outfit.

And if you’re looking for a man how can he tell the difference between you and the next chick if you’re wearing the same thing? Think about it.

Lets Talk: Friends with Benefits

A friends with benefits situation is very common among 20-somethings. We want the booty without the commitment and drama. We’re busy women with blossoming careers, grad school study sessions, volunteering at church, and not to mention Sallie Mae blowing up our phones and gmail accts. That’s enough stress to have us singing “This here, celibacy thang…” (word to Jilly from Philly) But we all know that most friends with benefits situations end up in someone, usually us ladies, getting hurt.

You’ve known this Morris Chestnut look-a-like since high school and you’ve always had a crush on him. He hung out with the cool kids and you…weren’t as cool. Since then you’ve gone from Monica Wright to Sidney Shaw. You run into him again at a local show, you exchange twitter names and bbm pins. Another week goes by when the two of you decide to meet for coffee where you catch up on the past 7 years of your lives. That same weekend you get your dutty wine on at your local regaae club and decide to go home together. The s*x is spectacular ( I had to do it) and in your mind you have officially found your new BUDDY, word to De la Soul and Musiq.

As time goes on you continue to have wonderful times in and out of the bedroom. He invites you to parties and church events. You share lunches and dinners often, he even got you a Christmas present. You love it because times with him are really easy going and this is one of the nest relationship that you’ve been in since…well since…ever.  

Here comes the crazy part. Week 5 you learn that the person that he just broke up with and by just broke up with I mean is still dealing with is definitely still in the picture, when he shows up at a mutual friends party with her. It doesn’t help that she looks like Rochelle Aytes and has the attitude of Lilith. You can’t understand why he’s still dealing with her, she’s gorgeous but she’s thee queen b*tch. It’s whatever for the most part because you have your own life and you guys aren’t really dating.  You don’t have an issue with it until the girl is calling your phone and harassing you.

Now this man that you thought was the best thing since red velvet cupcakes has brought all this drama into your life. You don’t blame him for her actions but your feelings are hurt because although you weren’t official you spent so much time together that you started to catch feelings. You decide to end it, now you’re left with dealing with getting a restraining order against this crazy chick and a cold bed.

Do the pros ever outweigh the cons in a friends with benefit situation?