Can You Ever Really Be Friends With An Ex?

By the time most of us have reached the 20-something stage in life we have lived a little. Had a few good and bad relationships and some even that we wish never happened. But what happens when your ex is someone that you genuinely like as a person but the relationship just didn’t work out for one reason or another?

Being friends with an ex can be a great learning tool but it can also be very tricky. An ex can help you see what you did wrong in the past and help you to be a better girlfriend in the future. They know you so you can’t fake the funk with them about anything. It’s good to have a person around who really knows all your nuances; the way you bite your lip when you’re nervous or look down and use a qualifier when you’re lying.

The tricky part comes when one of you didn’t want the relationship to end. If he dumped you because he just wasn’t ready for all the commitment that comes with a relationship and now you’re trying to be friends but he’s getting engaged to this new chick that he’s known for 2 months and you guys just broke up a month ago that can be an issue. No matter if you’re over them or not no one wants to see the person they used to share intimate moments with kissing another person or talking about them all the time.

How do you make a friendship work when you’re not over them or they’re not over you? That leads to anger, jealousy, and not much of a friendship especially when you see them dating all kinds of other people. If the girl is a downgrade, lookin’ like Miss Celie you’re insulted like “Hmmph how you go from me to that?” If the girl is an upgrade you’ll find a reason to dislike her even if it’s something like “She thank she cute! Look at all that designer ish she’s rockin’. She prolly just wants to spend his money.” Cues Kanye’s “Golddiger”

Another issue that arises is when you get into a new relationship. How does your new SO feel about you spending time with someone that they are 100% sure that you used to sleep with? Awkward… That can lead to a lot of issues in your new relationship.

Is it worth it to keep an ex around as a friend? Weigh in

Girlfriends

The May 2011 issue of Essence magazine is “the girlfriends issue”. As I read through the issue a few weeks ago I was touched by all the wonderful things that these black women had to say about their best friends. So many times we see black women bashing each other and if you look at reality TV you would think that black women are incapable of being real friends with other black women.

It is so hard to find real girlfriends. I’m blessed to have a few in my life and my bestie is literally THE BEST.  I know a lot of women that I consider acquaintances; we can talk makeup, meet for coffee, go to club together or talk for hours on bbm or gchat when we’re bored, but these people aren’t my friends.

Real girlfriends are women that you can do all of the above with and much more. You don’t have to talk every day to know that they love you. They don’t gossip about you and they aren’t jealous of you. They keep it real when you have one eyebrow higher than the other, and let you know when you’re passing up a good man just because he doesn’t have everything that is on your list.  They bring you medicine when you’re sick, loan you money when you’re in a jam.  They are your support system and become part of your family.

Real girlfriends are there for you in good times such as your graduation, when you got promoted at work or when you got engaged. They are also there for you in bad times like the loss of a family member, when your man cheated on you or when you went to have an abortion and you didn’t want anyone to know.  They keep your secrets with no fear of them being shared with others. And the truly have your best interest at heart.

For all those of you who “don’t mess with females” or “don’t get along with women” be open when the right kind of woman comes along. Having a SO is great but he’s a man and it’s not the same, and having family is wonderful but there’s nothing like a true sisterfriend that really understands everything you go through and who you are. 

I've Still Got A Ways to Go

I consider myself to be a conscious modern sista. I know my history and love and accept myself just the way that I am. I embrace my hair the way it grows out of my head. I love my full lips and cocoa skin. From the words of Jill Scott,“ I believe black people are beautiful. Always have been and always will be.” So I was shocked to have a revelation about myself last week.  

**********************************************************************

I’ve been living the life of a writer for that past few months. My days have been spent writing, making lists and plans etc. My wardrobe has become yoga pants, ponytails and fuzzy socks. My diet has become lattes, coffee, and Starbucks Doubleshots. Healthy right?

Because I would rather focus on my writing than anything else I’ve made some changes in my everyday routine of getting ready in the morning. For the past maybe month or so I have flat ironed my hair once. I’ve been blow-drying it and wearing it in a French braid, its still looks nice and well groomed and I like the hairstyle. But I’ve found with the French braid I won’t wear any makeup other than a little mascara and well groomed brows. I don’t feel ugly with the braid but I definitely don’t feel as pretty as I usually do when my hair is straight or even in its natural state.

Where did this come from? I love makeup and I love my natural hair in it various forms, so why do I feel awkward with natural hair and a beat face? Something about that combo just doesn’t sit well with my spirit.

I know that we have been conditioned by and bombarded with European standards of beauty. I’m aware of its effects on the African American community. I thought I was above all of this madness. I’m a well educated and conscious modern black woman. I believe that beauty comes in all forms and colors and textures. I thought I was above what other people thought of me, for the most part. I thought I embraced my natural self, the way I was, without any enhancements. Guess I’ve still got a ways to go.

Goodbyes and Flashbacks

The other day someone on my Twitter timeline posted a retweet:

 “@TheNotebook : It’s not the goodbye that hurts, but the flashbacks that follow.”

A light bulb went off in my head. Ugh, how true is this statement?! When you break up with someone that you loved with the deepest, purest, truest part of you saying goodbye and not having any contact with them seems like the worst thing in world. The flashbacks are hard as well, but in that moment you feel like part of you is being ripped out of your soul. This isn’t just true for romantic relationships but it also applies to family and friends that you’ve had to say goodbye to in one way or another.

When you break up with someone and they wronged you it's no problem to say goodbye, in fact you’re all too happy to end things. But in this instance the flashbacks are the worst part because you think of all the ways they wronged you, all the time you wasted and all the things that you probably should have done differently. You find yourself in a rage about all the time that you can’t get back, and how much you want to call them and yell and tell them off. All the memories that used to be good ones are now places that you don’t want to go to because that was your first date or place you used to frequent with that rat bastard your ex.

Le sigh...

The 20-Something Serious Relationship Dilemma

So you’ve been dating your S.O for 3 years now. The relationship has had its ups and downs but the good definitely outweighs the bad. He’s seen you through graduation from college and grad school applications. You have enough of your stuff at his place to move in, he talks to your parents almost more than you do and you trust him with your life. With your busy schedule you don’t really have that much time to go out but when you do, you have a good group of friends that you like to spend time with aside from your S.O.

Now you’re in your mid to late twenties and you’ve come to a point in your relationship where everyone around you is inquiring about when you getting married. Of course you and S.O have thought and talked about marriage but one night sitting on the couch watching a movie you look at him and really see him. You think to yourself “I’m not getting any younger” and “Is this the person I really want to spend the rest of my life with?” You couldn’t see yourself with anyone else but at the same time you’re not sure that you’re ready to take it to the next level.

This happens to most of us. I call it the 20-something serious relationship dilemma. This happens when you’re in a point of your relationship that seems like you should be moving on to another level of commitment but you have some reservations. Don’t be concerned about a timeline when it comes to your relationship. Talk to the person that you are in a relationship with and go with what feels comfortable for you guys. Don’t move in with someone, get engaged or marry someone just because you’ve been together x-amount of years.

If you’re out and feeling like you’re missing out on something, be honest with yourself and think about if you still want to be in a relationship or if you want to be single and casually date. Don’t lie to yourself and stay in a relationship if it’s not working. Those are not wasted years, those are years in which you learned what you want and don’t want in a relationship, information that is so invaluable in your life.

However keep in mind the 80/20 rule. The grass often seems greener on the other side. I’ve been out to different events and even in my everyday life I don’t see anything better than what I have. It’s slim pickins out there!

What Happened to Individuality?

As human beings it’s in our nature to want to fit in. We want to stand out and yet be part of the acceptable crowd. Standing out for having great hair or nail polish is good but standing out in a way that would cause someone to laugh at us or make us feel bad because we are different is not.

I don’t know about your city but when I’m out I see women in just a few different kinds of outfits. We have the women in leggings or short tight dresses that they shouldn’t be wearing with 5 inch heels that they don’t know how to walk in or those puss-in-boots style shoes that they likely got from Sheikh. They usually have a Kim Kardashian-esque weaves and smoky eye makeup. We all know that most women want to look like celebrities and video vixens but what happened to individuality?

 I know there are only so many styles of clothes to choose from and only so many stores to shop at. Why are people so okay with looking like everyone else? While I don’t think that my style is so original that no one could possibly have the same shoes or dress that I have but at the same time I know for sure that I don’t look like everyone else.

Don’t be afraid to step out of the usual or what everyone else is wearing. No matter if it’s going from weave to big chop, full makeup to none at all or just trying a different nail polish color, its okay. Hair grows back; you can take clothes and makeup off and try again. I’m not suggesting that you go outside looking crazy in the streets but don’t look like a clone. Try shopping at a boutique, thrift store, or adding unique accessories to personalize your outfit.

And if you’re looking for a man how can he tell the difference between you and the next chick if you’re wearing the same thing? Think about it.

Lets Talk: Friends with Benefits

A friends with benefits situation is very common among 20-somethings. We want the booty without the commitment and drama. We’re busy women with blossoming careers, grad school study sessions, volunteering at church, and not to mention Sallie Mae blowing up our phones and gmail accts. That’s enough stress to have us singing “This here, celibacy thang…” (word to Jilly from Philly) But we all know that most friends with benefits situations end up in someone, usually us ladies, getting hurt.

You’ve known this Morris Chestnut look-a-like since high school and you’ve always had a crush on him. He hung out with the cool kids and you…weren’t as cool. Since then you’ve gone from Monica Wright to Sidney Shaw. You run into him again at a local show, you exchange twitter names and bbm pins. Another week goes by when the two of you decide to meet for coffee where you catch up on the past 7 years of your lives. That same weekend you get your dutty wine on at your local regaae club and decide to go home together. The s*x is spectacular ( I had to do it) and in your mind you have officially found your new BUDDY, word to De la Soul and Musiq.

As time goes on you continue to have wonderful times in and out of the bedroom. He invites you to parties and church events. You share lunches and dinners often, he even got you a Christmas present. You love it because times with him are really easy going and this is one of the nest relationship that you’ve been in since…well since…ever.  

Here comes the crazy part. Week 5 you learn that the person that he just broke up with and by just broke up with I mean is still dealing with is definitely still in the picture, when he shows up at a mutual friends party with her. It doesn’t help that she looks like Rochelle Aytes and has the attitude of Lilith. You can’t understand why he’s still dealing with her, she’s gorgeous but she’s thee queen b*tch. It’s whatever for the most part because you have your own life and you guys aren’t really dating.  You don’t have an issue with it until the girl is calling your phone and harassing you.

Now this man that you thought was the best thing since red velvet cupcakes has brought all this drama into your life. You don’t blame him for her actions but your feelings are hurt because although you weren’t official you spent so much time together that you started to catch feelings. You decide to end it, now you’re left with dealing with getting a restraining order against this crazy chick and a cold bed.

Do the pros ever outweigh the cons in a friends with benefit situation?